When we talk about clarity, there is one moment or one time in our lives when we can see the most clearly. That is around the time of death. When we know that our time is limited and we can see the finish line, that is when we can see the things that have the most value. In Brave the Wave, I talk about an experience I had talking to a young AIDS patient when he was at this point,
I’ll never forget sitting on the floor of a hospital room talking to a twenty-year old AIDS patient. I was a young medical student doing clinical training. He told me that when you know you’re going to die, and you don’t have much time left, “you think about death one hundred or two hundred times a day.” Then he started crying, and said, “I’ve never been this scared in my entire life.” He died about three days later. Wish I would have known then what I know now.
That kind of reminds me of the Tim McGraw song “Live Like You Were Dying”. The scene above happened decades ago, but I still remember that young man. I wish I could live that scene again so that I could talk to him about faith and the love of Jesus. That is one regret that I think about among others. The thing that may be useful for us on this journey is to think about our own deaths, not “one hundred or two hundred times a day”, but at least once or twice.
Below is a list of regrets that were compiled from hospice patients. This is from the book “Resisting Happiness” by Matthew Kelly. This is a good list to look at, and take inventory of, for pretty much everyone on the planet. We need to think about these things when we are healthy and happy, not when we are at the end of our lives. This is a good list for weekly if not daily review. Notice though that most of these regrets have to do with relationships. Other people. Also many of the regrets are inaction regrets. Not action regrets. There are good studies to show that the majority of the regrets people have at the end of their lives (eighty percent) are inaction regrets. We can see from this list, that inaction is what people focus on. I took the liberty of adding in common themes or ideas that my upcoming books and blog posts will focus on. Those topics are in parentheses, after the listed regrets.
I wish I’d had the courage to just be myself. (authentic self)
I wish I’d spent more time with the people I love. (relationships)
I wish I’d made spirituality more of a priority. (authentic self)
I wish I hadn’t spent so much time working. (authentic self)
I wish I’d discovered my purpose earlier. (authentic self)
I wish I’d learned to express my feelings more. (loving others, relationships)
I wish I hadn’t spent so much time worrying about things that never happened. (fear)
I wish I’d taken more risks. (fear)
I wish I’d cared less about what other people thought. (fear, opinion of others)
I wish I’d realized earlier that happiness is a choice. (authentic self)
I wish I’d loved more. (relationships, love)
I wish I’d been a better spouse. (relationships, love)
I wish I’d taken better care of myself. (passion, power)
I wish I’d paid less attention to what other people expect. (fear, opinion of others)
I wish I’d quit my job and found something else I really enjoyed doing. (authentic self)
I wish I would have stayed in touch with old friends. (relationships, love)
I wish I’d touched more lives. (authentic self, loving others)
I wish I hadn’t spent so much time chasing the wrong things. (passion, purpose)
I wish I’d had more children. (relationships)
I wish I’d traveled more. (passion, purpose)
I wish I’d thought about life’s big questions earlier. (authentic self, loving others)
I wish I’d lived more in the moment. (passion, purpose)
I wish I’d pursued more of my dreams. (passion, purpose)
I wish I’d spoken my mind more. (fear, opinion of others)
Hopefully some of these ideas will become “sticky”. If you come across an idea that is unique, or valuable or you see as a threat, it will capture your attention. It will spark or kindle a small flame. When we have a small flame in a tiny pile of kindling, we are in business. But it takes effort and time to nurture and grow that flame.
Looking at this list not only reminds us that we should spend more time and effort on relationships and loving others, it also gives us clues as to what should be the focus of our lives. Clearly it’s relationships.
Also there are themes of not fulfilling our full potential. Not pursuing our passion or purpose.
What is interesting about this list is what is missing.
I wish I spent more time watching television or on social media ? Not there.
I wish I had spent less time reading the bible or in church services or growing, developing my faith? Not there.
There is real value in a list like this. It gives us the answers to a test that hasn’t even been handed out yet.